Falling off the balance beam.

I'm not a writer.  I wish I was.  I can't write songs, I can't write the way I would want to write, so I don't.

I've been thinking awhile about writing this post.  Writing about the end of a very long relationship, about feeling betrayed, and just about how tired I am in general.  So here it goes...

I remember the first time I felt depression.  I was in the 8th grade.  I expressed my sadness by not spending a whole lot of time getting ready in the morning, pulling my bangs and sides up into a partial ponytail, no makeup, hoodies... it passed, it always passes.  My entire life I have been known for my happiness, being cheery, funny, always relied upon to be fine no matter what circumstances were at hand.

So yeah, enter in 20 or 30 years of living, couple kids, couple marriages, and here I am.  Trying to give myself on honest take on who I am.  I realize and am aware lately, more than ever, all of the toxic behaviors I have engaged in, in the past.  For a long time I was not responsible with my physical body.  I ate without abandon, drank without abandon, basically did what I wanted.  I overstayed my welcome in relationships that were painted as loving when they were everything but.  I hated myself, but I didn't know that.  I did not do the hard things until this year, this particular year.

This year has been different for me in the sense that I have faced many inner demons that I have failed to acknowledge for as long as I can remember.  Who am I?

I am the girl who seeks love in the wrong places.
I am the girl who hides when she is depressed, wanting nothing more than to lay and cry and not know why.
I am the girl who is easily distracted.
I am the girl who will give you a hug, a genuine hug.
I am the girl who freely tells all of her friends how much she loves them.
I am the girl who justifies her bad behavior and believes her justifications when she should not.
I am the girl who did not cry at her grandfather's funeral.
I am the girl who is lost.  I don't think I will ever be found honestly, learning to live my life in a state of wander.
I am the girl who lost the ability to lie.  I can't anymore. 
I am a girl.  A really tired girl.

At some point, I will probably be able to elaborate more.  I hope I will be writing that blog post about how I found happiness within myself.  How I finally felt like I was worth something meaningful.  How I found my confidence, and how I shrugged off all of the negative things I constantly thought about myself.  I hope I figure this all out.