the best Christmas

It wasn't because there were many gifts or much money.

Just Luke and myself in our two bedroom subsidized apartment.  This place was freedom to me because I could afford it, but at the same time, that was about all I could afford.

Now it is Christmas and Luke is maybe three years old.  I had one gift for him, cowboy boots.  That was it.  They were very, very nice cowboy boots.  I had guilt and sadness because I was failing him in the present department, but, he just did not seem to care.  We spent the morning opening gift, ok maybe it was like five minutes.  Then we headed over to my dad's house to spend Christmas morning with my family.

My dad was known for buying gifts for us girls that were, quite frankly, bizarre.  Crazy kitchen appliances that one would have very small use for, like food dehydrators, or waffle irons, or... I don't know.  Anywho, my dad's mother would send gifts for us to his house (she lived out of town) - and we also had a gigantic breakfast every Christmas.  If it was a breakfast food, he made it.

We sat down and ate breakfast around the living room floor (pow-wow style).  My dad would start handing out gifts.  This year, my grandmother sent us comforters, big, thick, soft, comforters.  How exciting, honestly, all of my blankets were dismal in comparison.  Tattered remnants of my childhood, too old to be amazing and too old to get rid of.  Then, my dad gave me his gift for me.  It was AMAZING.  No avocado scooping, coffee grinding, potato peeler.  No, this was far better than anything he could have ever purchased for us.  It was a 13 inch, television VCR combo and it was FABULOUS.  I didn't have cable, I didn't have a TV, I guess I didn't really have much of anything now that I think about it.  But I had this...

Usually on the way back to my apartment, I would be fighting the exhaustion of getting up so early and the carb fest at my dad's.  We got home, dug up a VCR tape, set up the TV in my room.  Unfolded that luxurious comforter from my gram, and fell asleep to the sounds of Ferris Bueller.  It was literally, the best Christmas ever.  I cuddled my Luke on my bed in this heavenly blanket and slept for hours... just to wake up and head to my other grandma's house for dinner.

the simple things.

It has been a little over a year since the last time I have confessed all of my life secrets in this little blog of mine.  I'm still here, rest assured.  I've been standing at home plate trying to knock all things I swing at, out of the park.  Finally, the universe's first string pitcher has thrown something that I somehow managed to see and recognize as the perfect pitch.

People say things that I think I understand, I think relate to, I think I have experienced -- then it is truly experienced and it's as refreshing as that first splash of water on your face after biking ten miles on the hottest day of days.

I hate to admit that I grew up a pessimist.  I remember being in elementary school, lining up on the risers on stage for a chorus concert.  My chorus teacher warned us against looking up into the stage lights, she said it would hurt our eyes.  I stared straight into those lights to prove her wrong.  I wasn't a believer.   My mother said that soda in the morning would give me a stomach ache.  Proved that one wrong.  Not a believer.  Eating before taking a swim...no cramps, nothing.  If you chew on your hair, you'll grow a big hairball in your stomach and it will have to be surgically removed...nope.

Someday you'll meet the love of your life and you'll know.  Seriously, now... come on.  I really wanted to be a believer.  Like if I pretended it could happen, maybe the pretend thing would actually turn into a reality... or some shit like that.

If I could tell my younger self something to keep me going when my mind was filled with dread and doubt about this life, my decisions, seeing the true intentions of people who I thought loved me for me and nothing else... I would say, "when the time is right, he will walk into your life.  He will surround you with his light and you will experience true happiness and genuine love.".

I have never trusted someone so fully and it is otherworldly.  He slows me down, listens, is completely tuned into my emotional state, and I have never loved someone like I love him.

I won't paint this as a happily ended fairy tale or something that is too good to be true.  I will say this though, I feel safe, I look forward to continuing growing with him, experiencing our life together, and am extremely optimistic about what the future holds for us.  I just want to be the best person that I can be, and someone who makes you feel that way is sui generis.  If you are lucky enough to find it, don't let it slip through your fingers.  I take zero of these moments for granted.