Falling off the balance beam.

I'm not a writer.  I wish I was.  I can't write songs, I can't write the way I would want to write, so I don't.

I've been thinking awhile about writing this post.  Writing about the end of a very long relationship, about feeling betrayed, and just about how tired I am in general.  So here it goes...

I remember the first time I felt depression.  I was in the 8th grade.  I expressed my sadness by not spending a whole lot of time getting ready in the morning, pulling my bangs and sides up into a partial ponytail, no makeup, hoodies... it passed, it always passes.  My entire life I have been known for my happiness, being cheery, funny, always relied upon to be fine no matter what circumstances were at hand.

So yeah, enter in 20 or 30 years of living, couple kids, couple marriages, and here I am.  Trying to give myself on honest take on who I am.  I realize and am aware lately, more than ever, all of the toxic behaviors I have engaged in, in the past.  For a long time I was not responsible with my physical body.  I ate without abandon, drank without abandon, basically did what I wanted.  I overstayed my welcome in relationships that were painted as loving when they were everything but.  I hated myself, but I didn't know that.  I did not do the hard things until this year, this particular year.

This year has been different for me in the sense that I have faced many inner demons that I have failed to acknowledge for as long as I can remember.  Who am I?

I am the girl who seeks love in the wrong places.
I am the girl who hides when she is depressed, wanting nothing more than to lay and cry and not know why.
I am the girl who is easily distracted.
I am the girl who will give you a hug, a genuine hug.
I am the girl who freely tells all of her friends how much she loves them.
I am the girl who justifies her bad behavior and believes her justifications when she should not.
I am the girl who did not cry at her grandfather's funeral.
I am the girl who is lost.  I don't think I will ever be found honestly, learning to live my life in a state of wander.
I am the girl who lost the ability to lie.  I can't anymore. 
I am a girl.  A really tired girl.

At some point, I will probably be able to elaborate more.  I hope I will be writing that blog post about how I found happiness within myself.  How I finally felt like I was worth something meaningful.  How I found my confidence, and how I shrugged off all of the negative things I constantly thought about myself.  I hope I figure this all out.

Pass the sour cream.

A short note to quickly explain how completely overwhelming it is, sometimes, being a teacher, a single mother, and trying to be perfect all the time, every single day.  Besides teaching, during the day in a classroom M-F, I also work in the evening teaching college classes at the Community College on Tuesdays/Thursdays.  Along with this, I spend many hours furthering my skills as a teacher as part of a NYS fellowship, last year I logged 120 hours, on my own time.  Basically, I am very, very, busy, making ends meet and making everything work.  Since my son was at his Father’s this weekend, I volunteered to spend my weekend at SUNY Plattsburgh with the NYS Fellowship.  After receiving a call very late Saturday night finding out that my son had a dental emergency, I rushed back early Sunday morning to pick him up and take care of the broken tooth dangling from his braces.  He and I then spent three hours shopping and running all over Watertown, then delivering to school supplies to reward the 86 students that were in my classroom the last day of school, with a surprise taco party.  I spent $170.  This is a glimpse of what my life is like ALL of the time.  It is never ending and every day.

Today, the last day of classes for grades 7-12, even though I got to school early, cooked the taco meat, cut the lettuce, put out the plates, drinks, and decorations,… I still managed to run down to my supervisor and ask if it was too late to give awards to the 7th/8th graders.  Every year I struggle with whether or not I should give awards because I have so many amazing students, when awards are given, I think more about the kids who are left out.  I think about the ones who don’t think they are good enough, I hate letting anyone down.  My supervisor said it was fine and to try to contact the parents asap.  I went back to my room, made all the phone calls, almost got everyone, the bell rings, students walk in, phones have to go away.  My students were ecstatic with the surprise taco party, they thanked me profusely and no one went hungry.  Fourth period came, I gave out my awards.  The couple of students whose parents I was unable to get a hold of, I made sure to whisper an apology to, as I was giving them their award.  I am definitely not perfect, by any means and will never claim to be.  I received an email that a parent called and chastised the secretary at school because I was unable to get a hold of her prior to the award ceremony, a secretary who has no idea or stake in whether or not I give or do not give an award and also has nothing to do with notifying parents.  The email also stated that the parent called back a second time to speak with my supervisor, again, to express her anger that she was not informed quickly enough.  I then, was made aware that the parent posted a picture of me on her Facebook, again describing in detail how mad she was that I was unable to get a hold of her in time.  Other people commented on her post, mostly in a negative manner towards myself.  I think this makes it pretty easy for me to say I will no longer participate in the awards ceremony, I was always weary of it to begin with and would rather do something on my own that can not be misconstrued as something negative.  Something that all of my students can benefit from and get the accolades that they deserve rather than just a lucky few. Although I really do want to apologize for not getting everything together last week like I had intended, and also apologize for trying to make it happen the day of the ceremony, I realize that had I just forewent the awards and stuck with just having a surprise taco party, this would have never happened.  Apologies should also be sent to all the people who try to find the good in a situation rather than turn it into something negative.  I am beyond thankful for the smiling faces that keep me coming back every day and am angry with myself for allowing a this bit of negativity overshadow so much love that was felt at our beautiful school, all day long.

With all this being said, my intention is definitely not to spread any negativity.  My intention is to help people understand how a simple post, a comment, a mean emoji, can feel on the receiving end.  For one act of perceived negligence, there are 200 acts of love, kindness, and understanding.  It is much easier to post nasty things and scream into a telephone at a stranger, than to just call someone directly and explain and try to understand their side of your story, no matter how big or small the situation is.