I have been reflecting on myself and a slight flaw of my character that has been pointed out more than usual lately. That is... my lack of ability to trust people to do things for me, or on my behalf, or just... delegation in general.
I hate asking anyone to do anything for me. I pretty much keep finding myself at the door step of a mental breakdown from pure exhaustion rather than ask for help.
I have realized that this is a learned behavior beginning with the first job I was let go of because my son's father did not show up to pick him up and "babysit" him, from my place of employment so I could work that day. For obvious reasons, I stopped asking him to help me.
I don't like owing people. I don't like relying on anyone. I just do not feel comfortable asking anyone to do things a majority of the time. Most of all, I hate the feelings that I get that make my blood run cold, when on the rare occasion that I ask someone for help, they act put out by it. Especially when they have found themselves on the receiving end of favors/help that I have offered to give and followed through with on more occasions that can be counted.
I don't really know how to get past this issue, I don't see myself changing. For some reason, I could allow myself to ask for help and dig deep to find the trust that I won't be turned down or allow what I am asking to fall through, and it would be a success a thousand times. But then there is the one time that I am let down, I beat myself up over and over for allowing myself to trust that person.
I fancy myself a pretty happy person a majority of the time, wanting to spread the love, spread the peace. Lately, I have been feeling very let down, by myself and other people. I hope I can find my way out of this hole sooner rather than later.
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