I was that mom.

I didn't know what kind of mom I would be.  To be honest, I never had a plan for being a mother.  I never played "mom", I didn't dream about being a mother, I didn't have any desire until the day I found out I was going to be a mother at twenty years old.

So, there I was, alone, very young, in a huge city, baby in belly.  I didn't know how I got to where I was, but I did know that it was going to be hard and I would prevail.  The ultimate love, the unforgiving feeling that you have no control over the most precious being on earth.

You might be surprised at what this post is about.  It is not about how much I love Luke or how powerful our bond was and now, in his twenties, still is.  This post is about what I became when he left my arms from toddlerhood and straight into the waiting arms of his teachers for the next 13 years of his life in the public school system.

First of all, there is this possessive thing that happens when you become a parent.  These kids are created from your blood and bone, they are your DNA, your chromosomes, how could anyone not be completely devoted to their child?

That being said, I first started to see the signs of what was to come when Luke started pre-school at New Day Children's Center.  His teacher pulled me aside when I picked Luke up to tell me that he ran away from the group that day and into the church (which Luke thought was a castle).  I definitely understood why the teachers would have concern, they would have to chase him down and make him stay with the group.  He was a bit of a handful.  These types of interactions between Luke's teachers and I became the norm.  In kindergarten, he would have his card flipped on a daily basis.  First grade, Second grade, Sixth grade, his parent-teacher conferences would be something that I would dread.  I started to get angry.  Why couldn't they handle Luke?  What was it about my kid?  When we were home by ourselves, just him and I, he was perfect.  He behaved perfectly, was focused, helpful, had a huge heart.  I was getting so frustrated with the reports coming from Luke's school, every... single... day.

Now this is where I drop the revelation.  A.) Luke was gifted and bored, B.) Luke was dyslexic and acted out, C.)  Luke's teacher's didn't have enough patience, D.) Luke was bullied, E.) Luke was just being a boy (and boys will be boys right?), F.) Luke was, was, was....

You do realize that all of those revelations are not revelations, I wanted a revelation, I wanted a reason, any reason.  Any reason that would lift me off from this hook that I would dangle from anytime I was interacting with his teachers, reading a referral, getting the notes (written in vain) trying to get me on board.  The truth was... my kid was an asshole.  Seriously though, when my kid went to school, he did not act the way that he acted with me when I was home.  He was a smart ass, disrespectful, little asshole.  The shitty thing about this was, for years and years, I would walk into school to talk with his teachers and I would make excuses for him.  I would cover for him, yell at the teachers, go to the principal, complain about the teachers.  Lunch lady didn't like something Luke said, then she is a bitch.  Bus driver writes Luke a referral, well he is getting kind of old to be handling these kids, isn't he?  When I realized what my kid had become (sometime around the sixth grade), I was beyond horrified to look back and realize that all of those years I was standing in the way of the people who were trying to help my child be a productive member of his classroom, respected among his peers, and also impart to him that his actions had consequences.  Here I am thinking that I am being the best parent to my child when all along I was teaching him to never think he is wrong.  I taught him to victimize himself if he was called out for making poor decisions.

What happened in grade six did you say (or think)?  Well, at this point in my life, I had managed to put myself through school enough to obtain my initial teaching license, and became a teacher in a small k-12 school which I also enrolled Luke in.  I went from seeing my son only at home, to also being in the same building 24-7.  Those pesky teachers became my colleagues, and well, you now know the rest I suppose.  I learned the horrifying truth behind my child's behavior.  He wasn't bullied.  He wasn't dyslexic, gifted, bored,  and he definitely wasn't being a boy.  He was being an asshole and I enabled him.  I might even say that I made it much worse to the point where I could claim that I created this kid's behavior by taking away his consequences.

The next six years were not as easy as they could have been had I not been a wishy-washy mom-friend that I was at the beginning of all of this.  Luke was grounded a lot.  There was no grounding limit.  I recall having a conversation with my father-in-law at one point who told me that it is not abnormal for a kid to be grounded for their entire high school tenure.  "Do what it takes." he said.  Did I get tired of grounding him? yup.  Did it ruin some of the fun things that I wanted to do sometimes? yup.  Being a good parent required sacrifice.

Do I love my Luke more than life?  I do, so much.  I am so proud of Luke and what he has accomplished so far in his young life.  The sky is the limit for this beautiful child of mine.  He is so much like me, still has a great big heart, and is learning about life in leaps and bounds.  I still have to physically stop myself from hovering, even now, but I do and he is killing this whole 'adulting' thing.
Anyway.  I have wanted to write this post for a very long time.  Glad I got it out there.  Every time someone tells me that I did a great job raising Luke, I have to bite my tongue and spit something out like "oh, if you only knew....".

The Moth.

I have been a fan of the Moth Podcast for the past five years or so.  It started when my sister called me one day after listening to an episode of the moth on NPR.  I was an instant fan!  I combed the internet looking for episodes of the Moth to listen to.

Podcasts are great, they are modern day radio shows, all about the audio.  Even better, I have always loved stories and story telling.  In the sixth grade at Wiley Intermediate School (Watertown, NY), I won a trophy and honorable mention for story telling and forgot how much I loved it.  I want to say that there is some potential in me when it comes to being a professional story teller.

To my surprise and pleasure, my son Alex (9 years old), also loves the Moth.  They developed an app that gets updated weekly with new stories, every time that Alex and I go for a drive anywhere in the car, he ALWAYS asks to listen to the Moth.  I am not sure who loves the podcast more, Alex or myself.

One funny thing that happened a few years back one night, while I was making dinner and listening to the moth podcast on my headphones.  Usually, at the end of an episode, they announce that they will be coming to this town or that town in the near future..  Well.. by some crazy happinstance, they announced that they were coming to Clayton, NY!!!  Also, it was that night!!!  In like one hour!!!  I had partaken in a glass of wine (or two) while cooking so I called my friend Brandy and asked her to come get me.  I went online and bought us tickets.  Being the amazing friend that she is, Brandy showed up immediately and we headed over to Clayton to find out that I was off... by a week!  The following week I was there with friends and bells on!  I love the Moth.

This brings me to now, a few weeks back when I knew that I had a commitment in Plattsburgh, NY and also found that the Moth was going to be having a story slam nearby in Burlington, VT.  Always looking for ways to bring pleasure to my beautiful Alex's face, I bought us tickets.  Alex was beside himself with happiness the morning that I told him (the same day that the show was happening), and we just kept getting luckier and luckier as the day went on.  Parking spot right in front of the New Moon Cafe... we were accidentally an hour early... (so we WERE able to eat dinner before).. and then, the producers gave us to reserved seats in the second row!!?  I had some ideas floating around in my head, so, I figure I might go for broke and put my name in the hat.

I have to say this one more time, everything in life is sweeter through my son's eyes.  His excitement and happiness makes everything brighter and so much more beautiful.  Every time someone pulled a name from the hat, he would just... tense up.  There are ten slots for story tellers for the evening and five have told their stories, short intermission, then it is time to announce #6.  The hostess spills my name from her mouth and Alex just bounces up in his chair, you can tell... he cannot wait.  Later on when Alex and I discussed his feelings at this moment, he described it like this "well, I was thinking in my head "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...." and was very nervous".  I swallowed, stood up, and stepped up to the microphone and this is what came out.... (on a side note, at the end of this recording, listen for the second round of clapping to hear Alex let out a couple of whoops for his mom).

a self reliant idiot.

I have been reflecting on myself and a slight flaw of my character that has been pointed out more than usual lately.  That is... my lack of ability to trust people to do things for me, or on my behalf, or just... delegation in general.

I hate asking anyone to do anything for me.  I pretty much keep finding myself at the door step of a mental breakdown from pure exhaustion rather than ask for help.

I have realized that this is a learned behavior beginning with the first job I was let go of because my son's father did not show up to pick him up and "babysit" him, from my place of employment so I could work that day.  For obvious reasons, I stopped asking him to help me.

I don't like owing people.  I don't like relying on anyone.  I just do not feel comfortable asking anyone to do things a majority of the time.  Most of all, I hate the feelings that I get that make my blood run cold, when on the rare occasion that I ask someone for help, they act put out by it.  Especially when they have found themselves on the receiving end of favors/help that I have offered to give and followed through with on more occasions that can be counted.

I don't really know how to get past this issue, I don't see myself changing.  For some reason, I could allow myself to ask for help and dig deep to find the trust that I won't be turned down or allow what I am asking to fall through, and it would be a success a thousand times.  But then there is the one time that I am let down, I beat myself up over and over for allowing myself to trust that person.

I fancy myself a pretty happy person a majority of the time, wanting to spread the love, spread the peace.  Lately, I have been feeling very let down, by myself and other people.  I hope I can find my way out of this hole sooner rather than later.

the era of judgment.

I come from a lot of things.  I have felt what it is like to be that family with a beautiful home, olympic sized in ground pool, pizza every Friday, and a butt load of presents under the tree.   I have also experienced being the family that uses a cooler as a refrigerator and watching my mother painstakingly sell off our beds to keep food on the table and the power on.  As a child, I felt what my parents wanted me to feel, loved.  I was not embarrassed about our situation, and because of that I think that a lot of people were unaware of how bad it was at times.

When I grew older and learned a few life lessons (good, tough, lessons), I found myself at a crossroads.  I was at a point where I needed to change my life and attempt to maximize my potential as a mother who provided in all ways to my son whom only had me.  I birthed a fully new appreciation for parents who have nothing but can make their children feel like they have everything.  We truly had very little, Luke and I.  We had each other and spent very little time dwelling on what we didn't have.  I never even considered public assistance in any way as a college student.  I literally let the power get shut off.  I did not even know where the office was or how it worked but with a little guidance, figured it out.  I was on assistance for almost the entire time I went to school for my undergrad degree, about six years.  This was from 2001 til 2007.  Right before the age of facebook and social ignorance.

I love facebook for the possibilities that it offers for people who don't have a lot of alternatives for socialization.  I love facebook for globalization, the world marketplace at your fingertips!?   Oh how far have we come?!  At this point, there might be more users that don't know a life without facebook and will never know the struggle!  Or maybe they will never know the feelings of not being judged unceremoniously, countless times, every day.

Maybe, possibly, I am walking around with rose-colored glasses, but, I don't recall ever hearing people in the 70s - 90s walk around openly judging other people if they were paying for food with food stamps.  Furthermore, I would not refer to them as "insert-your-town-name-here's finest".  Do you think they want to be on assistance?  Back then, food stamps were paper!?  Much more noticeable than a small piece of plastic that looks like a quick swiping credit card.  You weren't judged for being on medicaid, it just didn't happen.

People helped each other, it was a community where people cared more.  Now, I cannot scroll through my newsfeed, not one day without someone posting and complaining about how their "hard earned money is going to someone else"... I honestly, just don't get it.  If you are one of these people, someone who hasn't thought long and hard about who is on the receiving end of your post (whether they know it or not),  how would you feel if someone was saying this about your mother?  your daughter?  your grandson??  You can't say that they will never experience hardship in their lives, how would you know for certain?  Anything can happen and god forbid someone treats them or talks about them they way that some people so haphazardly deem themselves worthy enough to trash talk/treat others.  Get off your pedestal and go volunteer.  See what it is like to live the 'easy' life.

peace.  love.  and quit judging people.