The thin veil between our world and theirs. I have heard that Halloween is a day when the veil is the thinnest, but....is it? I have never even really cared about the supernatural powers of spirits. Supernatural...what a funny word. Super to us? but natural giving indication that this is considered the course that everyone has in past lives and will, in future ones, take. I have bouts of interest in my life...and periods of forgetfulness. One gets caught up living and forgetting about thinking deeper.
In 93, I was in college. I remember having an interest in out of body traveling, I may have read some books. I was aware that it could happen if you were at a point of minimal consciousness. Almost sleeping. At that time, when I was drifting off, my brain would be aware. There was a moment during an afternoon nap that I felt myself leaving my body and I could hear the sound of leaves, millions of leaves crashing in the wind. I was above the trees. I got scared and thought 'body', and I was back in my dorm room. I was afraid of being lost forever. It reminded me of a moment that had happened when I was a Senior in high school, again, I was drifting off....suddenly I found myself in the dark hallways of my high school...floating around. Excited about the lack of gravitational limitation, wondering if I could perform a flip mid air...like I was in a swimming pool. Weightless is enough of a carrot to make me store the memory close enough to the surface where it could be retrieved on demand.
My mother took me to a medium once when we lived in Colorado. The medium said that I had many lines that clogged my mind, she said I didn't know which path I was supposed to take and I was searching for the meaning of me and what I was supposed to do. Man, was she ever correct. She went on to tell me that I was a fat circus boy in a previous life that was bit by a snake that was left unattended by a lazy snake charmer who was taking a nap. They called me rollie pollie. Well that figures.... I do have a horrible, paralyzing fear of snakes.
I took a mental and physical break from meta-physical theory. Have children, go to school, find myself. Then...things happen in life. Things that everyone goes through eventually. My father is taken from me. I can only hope that everything I believe is true. He is happy...he exists somewhere, in spirit, in soul. I actually feel him with me for months after he passes away. I feel my eyes well up with tears and then a calmness come over me that these aren't the feelings I should be feeling. The tears dry on their own, before they even spill. I think, I must be strong because of my sisters, because I have security, because my sons cannot ever feel insecurity because they see or feel me crying. I know he is reaching into my heart and putting himself in my sub conscience, telling me to move on and live the life that I am so lucky to have.
My heart was heavy for quite a while until one day when I realized it wasn't heavy anymore and it hadn't been for a little while. I just didn't notice because I wasn't paying attention, because I was ready to fly solo.
You start to heal and life decides to deal you another blow. Michael dies. Michael, my brother, tortured soul, beautiful man. My ex husband used to accuse me of being in love with him, my sister's and I would laugh over this. It became a long standing joke between Michael and I. I would pretend to lust for him, one time accidentally giving myself a haircut that looks startling like my sister's. I pretend that I did this on purpose to win his love. He tells me I am 'completely out of my mind', then lights his cigarette and contemplates what I would have thought of him if I had seen him years earlier during an interview in Tokyo. I assure him I am only attracted to losers and if he was doing anything besides losing, I wouldn't be attracted to him. To this.. he laughs.
Michael passing has shattered things a bit. My sister is shocking me with her ability to wake up and function on a daily basis. She is beautiful and sad. She thinks of everything to do to prevent her kids from suffering. I contemplate moving to her and becoming her pseudo husband. It isn't the right thing to do right now.
Michael is doing things everyday to grasp her attention, she is aware of it.... It seems that every aspect of his departure was written in the sand. At the rate my sister is going, the puzzle pieces will be picked back up and put in place by the end of the year... some pieces will be missing forever. I am thrust into meta-physical thinking once again, I guess to be closer to the ones I love. I am acutely aware of all subtle feelings. We all are now. Messages are neon signs rather than smoke signals.
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