Life's failures...always lead to the biggest successes...

I don't fear failure...I fear humiliation.  I was twenty six years old and didn't want to fail my son as a mother, so I decided to go back to school and make something of myself.  I chose the profession of Nursing.  I worked at the hospital and loved my coworkers, and this is what gave me the general direction of my career prospects.

As a high school student, I was a lazy, lazy, girl.  My mom was a teacher, so this propelled me to do a little more than the bare minimum.  Enough work to pass and keep her off my back.

So, I decided to go back to school, Luke was four.  I was terrified of failing and leaving us in squaller.  As I sat in my first class, Psychology 101, I fought the overwhelming feelings of anxiety that I wouldn't be able to sit still for an hour day after day.  Yet, I did, and I was fine.  I had a year of prerequisites and random courses to take prior to the actual nursing portion of my education.

The first year went well, I learned a lot about how to study, but managed to maintain some of my bare minimum behavior from high school.  I had to take a year of Chemistry, which I was terrified about, but it ended up being my best subject.  The math involved kept me hooked, which surprised the crap out of me, I didn't realize I was a math person.

By the time I began the nursing portion of my education, I was well versed in the ways of college.  By this time, I figured out how to manage my finances, my financial aid, my part time waitressing job, Luke's subsidized day care fees, and how to apply and maximize public assistance.  What I had not yet learned was, good things come to those who work hard for it.  Three semesters in to nursing school, I failed out.  It wasn't a good situation, I had a 64.4, literally.  This is where I go in to a rant about how it wasn't my fault, how I was wronged, how I didn't know how to study, how I was so humiliated that I could barely formulate the sentences to my father "I....[sniff, sniff]....didn't make it...".  The nursing program did allow you to re-enter, you had to wait a year and come back in where you left off.  I took the rest of my requirements while waiting, setting myself up to focus on my clinicals and lectures with no distractions.  As the time came closer, my anxiety level was through the roof, two weeks before the semester where I would re-enter started, I changed my major to become a Math Teacher.

I went to my JCC advisor and he set up everything for me.  He informed me that I would be going to Oswego State, an hour and a half drive from our home.  I knew this was inevitable and accepted my fate with grace because I was so excited about what I was about to embark on.  A little worried about how I would juggle full-time school, part-time waitressing, and single motherhood, but where there is a will...I always find a way.  I remember my first day at Oswego, I dressed up and got a rolling backpack.  I did not care that I looked like a soccer mom out of her element.  The only thing is...they did not think I was a soccer mom.  They thought I was one of them, 19...maybe 20, and assumed I lived back home with my parents (why change their outlook..right?).  It did not take long for me to realize that my study habits needed to be developed.  I went looking for help, found it, and became the student I should have always been.  I never, never, realized the amount of dedication I had in me.  I started leaving my house at 5am (sometimes earlier), getting to school before the sun woke up, and being the first one in the study lab until my first class at 10 or 11.  I was de-vot-ed.  The professors at Oswego were not your typical professors, they were the toughest bunch of people I have ever met.  If you go complain about your workload, they tell you to find another major, "you're not cut out for this." was a speech I heard on many occasions.  This just fuels your fire hotter than the deepest depths of hell.

I think back on it now with such fondness.  Being the only one on the road at 5am in January, listening to my tires slice through the fresh layers of snow.  My dynasty being my constant loyal, toasty, companion, I was on a mission.  It is funny what you can do to change yourself.  I became friends with the smartest people because I now told myself "you are the smartest person here".  When I first started telling myself this, I didn't fully believe it, but after awhile, I don't really know exactly when, I really did believe it.  Then one day, I realized, it was true.  They all came to me for help, for guidance, for reassurance.  There was one day that was particularly funny.  It was a school holiday for Luke (by this time Luke is 8 years old), I had to bring him with me.  The first question was "aw, what's your brother's name?"  hahahha. 

With one more summer class left before graduation, I received the best news.  I was offered a full time teaching position at La Fargeville Central School.  So exciting....so very, very exciting.  I finished my schooling and was preparing for another enormous change in my life.  No more commuting 15 hours a week, I was now an employed teacher.  No more public assistance. :)

All I remember the night before my first day of school was the fact that I did not sleep one wink.  I got to school two hours before the day was scheduled to start and wrote my professors a final email.  Here it is...

From:	BRIDGET DEMARSE		Wednesday - September 5, 2007 6:14 AM
To:	vanderso@oswego.edu, baltus@oswego.edu, lcarlson@oswego.edu, fettes@oswego.edu, halpin@oswego.edu, lewis@oswego.edu, mosbo@oswego.edu, narayan@oswego.edu, srp@oswego.edu, tiballi@oswego.edu, seguin@oswego.edu
CC:	daksha9@aol.com
Subject:	Good Morning

To my wonderful professors:

Today I begin my first day as a math teacher.  It is bitter sweet.  I always have a little anxiety at the beginning of each semester, the element of change in my everyday schedule and wondering if I can keep up with my smarter (and younger) colleagues.  I will walk into a new school, into a sea of unfamiliar faces.  This time, instead of seeing for myself, I will imagine Dr. Lewis's nod of confidence (in my abilities), Dr. Baltus's bicycle locked up outside, Laurie's "good morning", Dr. Tiballi's moustache curl up in a smile, and Dr. Halpin sitting behind his desk, always available when I have a question.

You will go about another semester as usual.  I'd like to think what you do is just a job.  But it isn't.  It is much more, you change people's lives.  When I first came to Oswego, I had no idea that I would walk away missing it more than I could imagine.  I've come to rely on you as I would my parents, the importance of your approval being the utmost.  Now I will try to mentor my students like you have, and still do, mentor me.

Your loved so much more than you know.  Thank you.

-Bridget G. DeMarse


They replied with:

Bridget,

Ok, I "date" myself with this reply but I say "You go girl!"

Thanks for the thank you.

Have a great first day.  You will have many good days to follow, not
always easy, but always worthwhile.

Prof. Fettes

Thank you for your very kind words.  And best of luck beginning your career.  You to will have an influence on thousands.  (Please send us your best students-ha!)

  Terry Tiballi

Good luck. 

I know you can do it.

JYN

Hello Bridget.

Thank you for a wonderful note on the first day of school.  As you
move to the other side of the desk, it is good to remember how long
and deeply  the things you say and do may stay with your students. I
am often surprised at what students recall years later.

You made a very good impression on many people here and I expect the
same for you in your new school.

Chris Baltus

Hi Bridget,
 Thank you, on behalf of the department, for your very kind words.  It
was very nice to read your email before going off to my 8:00 class.  I'm
sure your first day went well - let us know please!  Take care and enjoy!

-P. Halpin

SUNY Oswego

Math Department Chair

Hi Bridget,
Thank you so much for your kind words!  It sure is a great way to start the
day!  I'm sure you'll do great--the building and faces will be new for a
short time only.  If I recall correctly, the thing I overheard most about
you was that you were/are great in the classroom--so go do your stuff and
have a blast doing it!

I know you're going to be VERY busy, but drop us a line every now and then
and let us know how it's going.

Thanks again,
Laurie

Hi, Bridget,

Congratulations on your new job. I'm sure you will bring your own enthusiasm for mathematics to your students.  They will be fortunate to have your for their teacher.

Thanks to remembering your professors here at Oswego.  It was a joy to have you in my calculus class.  I think of you often and will not imagine you in front of your class(es).

Vivian Anderson

Thank you for the wonderful note.   We miss you too!!   Your name has
come up several times in conversations this semester already - always in a
positive way, of course.
    I will say, as I have many times before, "I know you can do it!"   I
don't at all believe that many of your colleagues are smarter than you,
even if some of them do have more teaching experience.   You'll catch up
quickly on that.
    Teaching is definitely more than just a job if it's done
right.   People who choose to teach because it's a "easy" job with long
vacations really don't get it.   But it's more than worth the effort when
you see students succeed, especially the ones who don't think they
will.   I overheard a conversation today between two of my former students
from different classes who met each other last year in my office.  They
were comparing news and congratulating each other about successes.   Seeing
students encouraging each other like that made my day.
     Please do come back for a visit sometimes.   We'd love to see you!

Dr. Kathy Lewis

I sometimes go back and read these emails to remind me where I came from.  This reminds me that anyone can do anything they want if it is something they set their mind to.