I have learned to dislike Mother's Day greatly. It is the day that I spend way to much time anticipating, what used to be, crazy amounts of disappointment. It's so weird because if Mother's day was disappointing, you would think it would be due to the lack of acknowledgement on the part of my children, but that actually is not a thing - my boys are awesome and love freely and openly and do not neglet me in any way. I don't speak of it much anymore, but I am effected deeply from a relationship I was in for many years, where the person used Mother's day as a platform to hurt me. It sounds pretty dumb on paper, dumb that I allowed it to happen over and over, but - a few years back on this day, I would wake up and hope to hear a simple phrase come from the mouth of the person who was supposed to love and cherish me. It took some years before I finally broke down and admitted that I was deeply hurt that he would not acknowledge or say "happy mother's day" on Mother's day, but he did admit (towards the end), that I wasn't the mother to any children of his, so why should he?
I don't know how to explain what it feels like to have to cry and explain to someone why they should not just acknowledge the day as a celebration of motherhood, but that it might be even more important to teach the biological and non-biological children how to celebrate it also. It is ruined when you have to ask for it. It is embarrassing to have to ask for it.
I find myself trying to avoid the day all together because it is a day where there lies a pit in my stomach that feels like lead weight, because I have somehow allowed this negativity to evolve into the underlying feeling that I do not deserve it. I can't seem to erase it no matter how hard I try to forget.
The last Mother's Day prior to my hasty exit from said toxic relationship, (as i'm sure that it was also being anticipated that we were coming to an end), in an attempt to win me back or get me to rethink my impending departure, it was decided that we now celebrates Mother's Day and together with my younger son, put up a sign and got a couple gifts. Despite what was to come, I betrayed myself and expressed happiness and acted as if this was normal. It wasn't. A few hours after my surprise Mother's Day acknowledgement, it was then inquired as to why I didn't acknowledge the efforts to make my day special by posting it to social media. When I acted perplexed as to why this should be a thing, the response was "you mean I did all of this for nothing?".
As I said, at this point, I just wish this day wasn't a day. Last year, my older son living out of town and my younger son being on a trip with his dad, I was actually not as anxious about Mother's Day as I normally would be. I began a new relationship with a person who is completely genuine and expresses love in the way that it should be expressed. He took me on a day trip to Syracuse, we went to my favorite Market and had lunch, and it literally was one of the best days ever. I don't know how many of these trips we will need to take for me to stop recoiling inside every time I hear the phrase 'Mother's Day'.
On the part of the other party, I hope, for the sake of any new relationship, that something was learned so that this is never a thing that is done to a person again.
