sister love.

I know i'm posting a lot about Danielle lately, I don't know why.  But here goes another...story.

ok so....our relationship, growing up, is always extreme.  Either extremely close, or extremely fighting.  If you ask me my earliest memory, I might be able to recall stuff here or there, but one thing I do recall is the first time Danielle felt the first pangs of anger, frustration, and possibly hatred for her loving, devoted sister....me.

The word worship doesn't quite encompass how I felt about my older sister.  I WORSHIPED her, in a stupid, ridiculous, stalkerish, kind of way.  I would do anything for her attention, and as she got older, the lesser interested she was in cultivating a sister-friend relationship with me.  I was the annoying younger sister.  This sparked a panic in me, a panic for her love, then approval, then just....any kind of attention.  The quickest way to get any kind of attention is just to tick her off as stealth and quick as possible.  She has a boyfriend over?  I will find pictures of her cuddling a doll to show him.  She wants to go somewhere?  I will pout and produce tears to force myself along.  I never stop and analyze her growing annoyance, anger, and sometimes hatred for my existence...

This is a short story.  I am recalling the first time I betray my sister.  I am four (I think...?), and I have developed a great idea and just want to test it out and see if I can get away with it.  Danielle and I are playing on the kitchen floor, mom is floating around cleaning or something.  I turn my head, drag up my sleeve, and sink my teeth into my forearm.  Not enough to draw blood (cause that would hurt, wouldn't it?), enough to produce a perfect, crescent shaped, row of crevices in my skin.  The tell tale signs of a bite mark, slightly red from the bit of suction I applied when producing the evidence.  Phase one...done.  Next, I start to imagine my mother saying that I can never swim in our pool again...really, if I want to cry I have to go for my own gut.  Good, plush, full tears fall from my lids.  Phase two....done.  Last, I walk up to my mom, tears in tow, and hold up my arm.  I didn't even have to say anything.  "DDAaaaNNIEeeelllLELLLLEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".  oh goodness.  Scuffle, scuffle, slappppy-dapppy, Danielle is now sitting in timeout with her back to me in the kitchen.  I sense Danielle's surprise at a punishment undeserved.  She actually had no clue what was going on, but sitting there in that chair, I see the back of her head begin to rotate towards the side of the chair, then her face peers out in my direction.... for the first time ever, I witness, Danielle's evil, I totally hate you, face.  It surprised me!!!!  Didn't she know I didn't know any better???  Her eyes were slits, she could have been Asian to on onlooker, her mouth pursed into a perfect circle, and her face red....a special red that can only be born of betrayal.  It was the first time...not the last.

Milestones

A milestone in childhood, when I was a child, was figuring out how to get your hot wheel going fast enough to be able to slide it to a grinding 180 degree halt when you pulled up the yellow brake.

A milestone in childhood, when I was a child, was digging around in the house and outside of the house to find enough change to purchase a small paper bag full of candy from Guardino's Neighborhood Market.

A milestone in adolescence, when I was an adolescent, was slipping into Danielle's room without her noticing and managing to completely get ready using her hair products, her crusty curling iron, and her makeup without her noticing.  

A milestone in adolescence, when I was an adolescent, was manipulating the situation so that Danielle manages to get into trouble right before spending the night at her friend's house so mom forces her to bring me along as punishment.

A milestone in young adulthood, when I was a young adult, was realizing that you are incapable of failing because my definition of failure was not being me.  I loved realizing that I was the one that got to define failure.

A milestone in young adulthood, when I was a young adult, was realizing you don't need high school to find a true circle of friends.  True friends are everywhere, in every stage of life.

A milestone in adulthood, since I've been an adult, has been realizing that people are around you for a reason, people are teaching you things everyday.  Even when your heart is ripped out when they are taken away, you learn how to learn from their experiences and be thankful for the gifts they are awarding you in their absence.

A milestone in adulthood, since I've been an adult, has been learning that hope will be with you for the rest of your life.  There is always something to hope for, something to aspire to, you can always change, learn, grow and improve who you are and become the best person you can be.

In the milestones, there are keywords that show your growth:

Childhood - Figuring out, Finding

Adolescents  - Manipulation

Young Adulthood - Realizing

Adulthood - Learning, Changing, Growing

I am a thankful person for my life.